• Ali: I'm gonna go [to the gym] again. Wanna join?
  • Caroline: I can't. I'm definitely getting sick, and I have to make a movie.
  • Ali: A movie!? Can I be in it?
  • Caroline: It's not that kind of movie.
  • Ali: Sounds dirty. Wait, what?
  • Caroline: Are you a simulated silicone indenter going into a crystalline-thin film? Because if so, I'd like to make a movie of your bonds breaking.
  • Caroline: THAT's why I was so tired today.
  • Ali: Did you grab decaf [coffee] instead?
  • Caroline: No, I was just grabbing stuff and I grabbed "Lullaby Time".
  • Announcer: He's the only man in the world who knows what women want. And now, What Women Want.
  • Caroline: Wow, nice segue!
  • Ali: *leaning on Caroline's back* HAHAHAHA!
  • Caroline: What?
  • Ali: I heard your body working! Those were your kidneys, you might have to go to the bathroom soon.
  • Caroline: How do you know those were my kidneys?
  • Ali: They're the only things back there!
  • Caroline: What, whoa, that's so cool! Can I listen to your kidneys?
  • Caroline: I hate when your burger gets really big.
  • Ali: I know what you mean! and it gets hard to move around.
  • Caroline: Yeah, and it's all floppy... swingin' it around...
  • Ali: Caroline... are you using those words on purpose?
  • Caroline: No! But now that you say that, it's making me feel uncomfortable...
  • Caroline: Hey, can you call my phone please?
  • Ali: Sure.
  • Caroline: I feel like it's in a really obvious location.
  • Ali: Ha, at first I thought you were gonna say "awkward". I was gonna be like, "I don't know what you mean by that." *calls Caroline's number*
  • Caroline: Is it ringing?
  • Ali: Yup.
  • Caroline: ... Just hang up please. *embarrassed smile*
  • Ali: Why...? *sees Caroline reach for her back pocket* OHHH.


  • Caroline: He looks like a cartoon character. And when I saw him, he was eating a banana.
  • Ali: Okay...?
  • Caroline: It was like a cartoon character eating a banana. I was like, is this really happening right now?
  • Caroline: What is that?
  • Ali: Philly.
  • Caroline: Did you say falafel?
  • Ali: ... I said Philly.
  • Caroline: You didn't actually say Philly, did you?
  • Caroline: You know how when you buy a sponge? and it's dry but it's not hard? and then you use it, but when it dries again, it's hard? ... Why does that happen?
  • Ali: Umm... because I guess... the water molecules change it? because it's never touched water before? ... Like paper.
  • Caroline: ... Okay. *accepts it and goes on with life*
  • Ali: UGHHH I just need to get all this CRAZY out!... *whines* Caroline... how am I EVER gonna get married?
  • Caroline: Sweetie, you're 19.
  • Ali: Yeah, but I'm gonna be this crazy when I'm 30, too!
  • Caroline: And your husband is probably going to be worse.
  • Ali: *whines more*
  • Caroline: I would marry you! If we were lesbians. I mean, if we were lesbians, would you marry me?
  • Ali: No, I'm sorry, I would not.
  • Caroline: Even if we were lesbians, you wouldn't marry me?
  • Ali: No, and I'm being completely honest with you.
  • Caroline: What?? Why not?? You wouldn't marry me if we were lesbians??
  • Ali: Caroline, you're my best friend! I can't imagine marrying you! Just... no!
  • Caroline: You have broken my heart. My heart is broken. *long pause* Thing is, you're not even trying to backpedal. You're being straight-up with me. Whatever. *another long pause* How am I ever gonna get married if my best friend won't even marry me if she were a lesbian?